I was talking to my brother the other day and he said that it was so good to hear me laugh again.
In that moment we celebrated my healing and progress and I reflected on how much better my life is with humor and joy. It was like a hug through the phone.
I nearly quit laughing during the abuse. I was stripped of practically everything that brought me joy and fulfillment, so what was there to laugh about and celebrate? My brain was overwhelmed/shut down due to trauma and that made it hard to be witty and happy.
I couldn’t fake real joy and had a hard time with being authentically happy and laughing. I pretended, but it wasn’t authentic. My abuser even told me I wasn’t as fun to be around anymore. He was right, I wasn’t because I was being abused and stiffled.
I remember feeling like something was wrong with not being able think on my toes and contribute to a joke. So I tried to learn how to be funny and I wasn’t very successful. I needed to resocialize and I needed to be safe and heal to be funny again.
Now I laugh almost every day. Before weeks could go by without me laughing. WEEKS. Today I laugh with strangers I see on the street or in the gym and try to smile at the people I see every day. Today I have amazing people in my life who have deep joy and a great sense of humor. They help me laugh and continue healing and restoring this part of me.
I didn’t get to laugh a lot during those three years and praise God that is not the case today!!! Now I don’t have to take everything so seriously and I can do silly things like running around a light pole for a fun picture.
And I can post it for the world to see because its pretty snazzy and I’m confident in who God has called me to be.