Sometimes I look back at the things I’ve open up about and posted for the world to see. And sometimes I feel insecure and anxious about it.
Sometimes I want to hide and pretend I haven’t let people into the darkest part of my life. Sometimes it scares me to trust God to share and trust people to see such a dark time.
It is in those moments I wonder:
Why am I talking about this?
Why on earth am I being so vulnerable?
Everyone can read about a time when I was weak and they can see past the walls I once put up to protect myself.
There is an element of pride that would prefer I didn’t let people know about a time I feel like I fell flat on my face and couldn’t even prevent myself from being abused and trashing multiple important relationships in my life.
But they also read about how God delivered me and how He has restored me. And it is my hope that they also see His love and sovereignty in my life.
It is in those moments I have to remind myself that what I have to say needs to be said.
Whether is the truth and needs to be said in love or whether healing requires me to speak up.
It have to say it. And saying it doesn’t always mean saying it publicly, sometimes it is acknowledging and confronting it in my life, writing about it, talking to my therapist, or my best friends and mentors.
And if I don’t say it I miss out on a blessing or I don’t allow God to use me to accomplish His plans for even the smallest details of my life and the lives of those around me.
Now, neither is an option.
They can’t be options.
I can’t pretend the abuse didn’t happen and I can’t pretend to be someone I’m not when I want to forget it happened. The abuse has influenced every area of my life, and God has used it to work in every area of my life.
Now I don’t have a facade and I’m authentically me. I absolutely love it and I’m also entirely terrified by it.
I get to be myself, I actually can be myself, and I am realizing I have to be who God created me to be to fulfill His plans and purpose for me.
I’ve tasted and seen what it is like to be authentic and confident in who God has called me to be and I can’t imagine going back. I’m starting to accept and love myself for who I am and I never in a million years thought that I would get here.